There is a specific therapeutic activity I use with my patients that I oftentimes have to use with myself: the “Circle of Control” activity. Given a big piece of paper with a giant circle drawn on it, I encourage my patients to consider if various cut-out prompts (like: “how people look at me because I don’t have hair”, “what I say to others when they ask about cancer”, etc.) are in their circle of control or if it is out of their circle of control. They then place each prompt where they think it belongs.
There are so many times when I have to think through this visual as well to remember what I can and cannot control.
As the child life specialist I want to be the savior. I want to be able to walk into every situation, no matter how chaotic, tearful or stressful and be a able to fix it all. I want to then be able to walk out of every single room and feel like I was able to make a positive difference.
Just even today I desperately began calling NFL teams begging them to consider sending a video message to a dying patient who is a huge NFL fan. Each time I hung up the phone without success, I felt the creeping temptation to feel all the pressure was on me to control this situation. I found myself thinking, “Allie, this is all on you. You have to make this unimaginable situation better or else you will fail.”
Yet, the more and more I place all the expectations and pressure on myself to “succeed” in the way I think success should be measured (i.e. every NFL team responds with a resounding “yes, we will help!”), when that “success” isn’t obtained, it only leaves me feeling defeated and discouraged.
But a simple perspective change of measuring success by evaluating what is in my circle on control can change all of that.
For example, how do I know I was effective during a dreaded NG tube placement with a 4 year old? Here is a little demonstration of recognizing what is in my circle of control and what is out of my circle of control to help me gage my “success” in supporting the patient and family. The things in the circle are the things I can control; what I am responsible for. The things outside of the circle are ways my influence and choices cannot necessarily change.
How many of you are like me and measure success by only what is outside of the circle? If I leave the room and the nurse and parents are in awe of who I am and want to hire a million more child life specialists because of me, I must have really rocked it as a child life specialist, right? Not necessarily so! Or, if I leave the room and the nurse and parents felt like I wasn’t helpful in any way with helping the child remain calm as the tube was slid down his/her nose and throat, I must have really been a giant failure as a child life specialist, right?
Why is it that we put the pressure on ourselves to try to control the things that are out of our control? Imagine how much more peace, satisfaction and accomplishment we would feel if we instead considered the success of what we are solely responsible for controlling- our thoughts, our actions, our commitment to trying, our communication.
It is worth acknowledging that there can be times where there is some gray area. Like, “the nurse doesn’t like or respect child life” , for example. Sometimes, we can’t change someone’s perspective of us. But, have we tried things like educating the nurse about child life and doing an in-service? Have we been faithful in putting ourselves in situations for the nurse to observe child life at work and been consistently available? This gray area is important to consider and to recognize once again what is therefore our responsibility and then when does that responsibility end.
So for today, I am going to choose to acknowledge what is in my circle of control as a way to help measure my success as a child life specialist. I am going to choose to do everything I can: by thinking positively, by being available, by being a team player, by being resourceful, and by being confident in my circle.