I am going to write an especially vulnerable blog today. My confession can feel uncomfortable. And it isn’t an attractive side I like to display.
As I have written about before, I wrestle with insecurity as a child life specialist. It is routine for me to walk into the hospital with a knot in my stomach, already fearing failure or making a mistake. And then, I often walk out of the hospital with feelings of defeat and shame for not being able to “do enough”.
If a patient or staff member doesn’t sing my praise, I am quickly led down a path of self-doubt. I allow comparison to rule in my heart in a way that creates jealousy and bitterness. I question my intuitions. I become frozen to even try.
But then…
My boss complimented me. I received public recognition. A nurse told me, “We couldn’t have done that procedure without you.”
…
My mind becomes flooded with feelings of pride.
I have arrogant thoughts. I become territorial and defensive. I buy into the belief that I am truly the best at what I do. I am the only one that can respond to the needs.
“Humility is not thinking less of ourselves, but thinking of ourselves less.”
This is what I hate to admit: that I struggle with pride. Why does struggling with insecurity sound so much better?
And yet recently I now see that arrogance and insecurity are one and the same: they are both forms of pride.
Sally Lloyd-Jones writes, “Our self-doubt and insecurity don’t reveal our humility; they mask our pride.”
Swirling statements of negative self-talk quickly become arrogant and secretive thoughts of pride. I call this, “the Pendulum of Pride.” Lloyd-Jones goes on to say that arrogance and insecurities are all pride “because it means you think it’s all about you.”
This pendulum of pride for me can sway within minutes. I may enter a patient room feeling overly confident and arrogant and then leave feeling rejected and ashamed.
As I have begun to recognize this deeply rooted problem of pride in my life, it has led me to also question what disciplines I need to practice to seek humility in my work as a CCLS. Humility is at the heart of truly serving others – listening well, empathizing, loving as one’s authentic self. Whereas, pride masks our true self. Pride keeps me from being truly present and secure with my unique gifts as a CCLS.
Here are five ways I am seeking to steady my pendulum of pride:
#1-Recognize that I am weak.
We ALL are weak. I am going to make mistakes. I am far from perfect, so perfection shouldn’t be the goal.
#2- Practice focusing on the needs of others.
Celebrate my co-workers victory without jealousy. Encourage a patient’s mom who is feeling defeated. Lean into my role of helping others. Think less of myself and more of others.
#3- Remember: praise is empty and fleeting.
I don’t need it. It is amazing to me with how one hour of receiving praise or recognition the next hour I find myself either: A. Dismissing the praise as being invalid for some reason. B. Becoming dissatisfied with the praise and wanting more praise from someone or something else.
#4- Be disciplined in the art of gratitude.
Instead of allowing my pride to lead to jealous comparison, press into comparison as a way to encourage others and celebrate their strengths. And sometimes that may look like being grateful for my own talents and abilities! Which leads into # 5…
#5- Demonstrate confident humility.
Humility doesn’t mean being passive and having low self-esteem in my child life skills. Author C.S. Lewis writes, “Humility is not thinking less of ourselves, but thinking of ourselves less.” We have worth and talents and skills. There are ways to own that in a way that is humble and grace-filled for others.
Though encouragement in a job well done can truly help our motivation, we must recognize that our confidence and our work is not dependent on it. Be an excellent CCLS full of integrity even when no one is watching.
So for today, with this ever-shifting pendulum, I want to fight to seek confident humility. Will you join me?