I said something stupid to a 4 year old patient and let a word slip…the word “knife” instead of “small tool to make an opening” when I prepared her for surgery. Oh dear.
I did it again: I gossiped about a member on our medical team and disguised it as “just venting.” My colleague appears in the wrong for her seemingly manipulative tendencies, yet, I probably shouldn’t have fostered negativity on our team by allowing my frustrations to show.
And then…I was passive and indecisive when I was preparing the children to see their dying father. I just couldn’t utter the words “dying” and “brain dead”. Did I just mislead them? Did I just make their grief worse by not fully disclosing the outcome?
Oftentimes when I make a mistake, it feels like utter failure. I can never do enough. I can never be enough. Nothing I do makes a difference.
I remember one afternoon coming home to my sweet husband and crying to him about a mistake I had made resulting in a colleague being hurt and disappointed. Through tears I said, “I know everything will be okay tomorrow once we talk about it, but I really hate this feeling of knowing that I made a mistake. I don’t want to do it again.”
“Perfectionism stems from my intense desire to please people, to receive acceptance, and my overwhelming fear of rejection and fear of failing.”
It’s true. Even to this day as I sit at my computer and blog about mistakes I sure as heck don’t want to make one tomorrow! I’d rather be perfect. Perfect looks like everyone respects me. Perfect looks like I make a positive difference in every single person’s life. Perfect looks like every child will magically stop crying as soon as I enter the room. Perfect looks like I never disappoint anyone. Perfect looks like I will get all the praise. Perfect looks like flowers will be thrown down at my feet.
And yet…should perfection ever reallybe the goal for the child life specialist/student? Should my goal be that everyone respects me and likes me? Should my goal be that I perfectly prevent a child from ever experiencing sorrow or pain? Does that truly help them develop resiliency?
Perfectionism stems from my intense desire to please people, to receive acceptance, and my overwhelming fear of rejection and fear of failing. Perfectionism often is fueled by my desire for excellence. I want to do well at my job and I want everyone to like me and like each other. So how do we separate being a perfect child life specialist with being an excellent child life specialist?
I believe author Jon Bloom sums it up well in his article “Lay Aside the Weight of Perfection”:
“What we call perfectionism is not the same as the pursuit of excellence, though sometimes the lines can blur. When we pursue excellence, we’re determined to do something as well as possible within a given set of talent, resource, and time limits. But perfectionism is a pride- or fear-based compulsion that either fuels our obsessive fixation on doing something perfectly or paralyzes us from acting at all — both of which often result in the harmful neglect of other necessary or good things.”
As I consider my perfectionism, here are 4 ways I shift perspective away from perfectionism and instead toward excellence.
1. Acknowledge that you ARE imperfect.
No matter how hard you try, you will always fall short. No matter how many people you try to win over, you will always have someone that doesn’t like you. So, stop striving for perfection. Relieve yourself from this impossible burden and expectation. Perfection should never be the goal. As bleak as it sounds, you never will obtain it. And yet, with that understanding comes freedom.
2. Trust that imperfection is an opportunity for growth.
As you embrace your imperfection, you embrace the opportunities for growth. Imagine starting your child life career having already mastered every skill perfectly. Where would the challenge and adventure even be?
Oftentimes it is when I experience conflict and failure that I actually see the greatest growth and development in my life. Being honest about my weaknesses helps me own who I am. And owning who I am (still in progress!) gives me confidence.
3. Practice being imperfect. Let others see your mess.
After you embrace your imperfection, share it with others! The saying is true: “Vulnerability breeds vulnerability.” Though I would caution that you want to share your imperfection through the lens of professionalism, sometimes by admitting that you, too, are nervous can create a safe space for your child life intern to practice. Or lamenting with a nurse that you also called the patient by the wrong name may help provide more camaraderie.
4. Ask: How can you serve others with gratitude and with grace?
As we recognize that perfection can be one of those mentalities disguised as pride, what is a solution to pride? I think back on the quote by C.S. Lewis: “Pride is not thinking less of yourself, it is thinking of yourself less.”
So, think of yourself less and continue to focus on the needs of others (that isn’t to say don’t cast away all prioritization of self-care! That is a completely different idea). But instead, practice gratitude and grace.
Gratitude: be grateful for who you are, the circumstances you have been placed in. No matter what you do or the mistakes you have made, try to find one positive through it all.
And then, extend the same grace that you desire to receive from others. Because if we actually believe we alldo fall short, then let’s be gracious towards our leaders, our colleagues and our own self.