I am the type of person who likes to fly under the radar when it comes to conflict. It is uncomfortable and I get sweat stains on my shirts as a result of it!
So you can imagine all the anxiety I faced years ago when I had to lean into conflict head on with a volunteer.
I met said volunteer (we will call her ”Jess”) on my very first day of a new child life job. I was fairly new to the field and was significantly younger than all of my staff and volunteers. Not to mention I have what many call “a baby face” and have been mistaken to be 17 on more than one occasion. I wish I was kidding…
Jess was a seasoned volunteer. She was well respected by her “peer” medical team as they had come to be, and carried an overly confident and intense demeanor.
“You are the new child life specialist! Oh my gosh, you are so cute and adorable. So, did you just graduate? I can definitely help show you the ropes as you acclimate. I know this will be a big change for you.”
May I remind you that it was I, baby face Allie, who would be Jess’s supervisor and the one to show her the ropes of how I wanted to do things. Yet, to quote Michael Scott from the Office: it seemed that “my, my, my how the turned tables.”
This may not surprise you: Jess was no longer going to be a good fit for our program. She was inconsistent in her hours, she had very poor boundaries with patients and families, she showed favoritism based on patient illness, a donor called to complain about her, and…oh yeah, she thought she ran the place and was my boss.
There was conflict…and it was up to me to seek resolution.
Managing conflict can be messy. But managing conflict when it comes to an unpaid person who generously gives up their time week after week proves to be even more difficult! How do you strike a balance of expressing appreciation for their volunteerism while also addressing the necessary boundaries and expectations?
I prepared long and hard for how to address these myriads of concerns with Jess. I found that reading the handbook “Volunteer in Child Health: Management Selection Training and Supervison” by Arlene Barry Kiely proved to be a wonderful resource for me as I prepared. (I highly recommend this book!)
Some other ways that helped me prepare to address conflict?
- Talking with trusted supporterslike my boss (or sweet husband!) to help me formulate a plan of how to address the conflict.
- Taking a personal look at myself.Was there any thing on my end that I needed to change in order to be an effective supervisor for Jess?
- Give Jess a second chance and extend grace. I made sure to communicate my volunteer expectations as her new supervisor and allow a month long trial period to carefully observe.
“Sometimes looking back on our past uncomfortable conflicts can give us courage to face the future uncomfortable conflicts.”
It was a Thursday morning when the confrontation took place. 9am. I will never forget it. Queue all the sweat stains!
Here is a breakdown of how I attempted to address the conflict with Jess:
- Breathe and be calm! Do not make things personal or emotional. Respond, don’t react. And approach conflict with a confident humility.
- Express appreciation and gratitude for all that the volunteer has done.
- Objectively share the concerns with evidence/examples. (“It has come to my attention that you have been absent for 3 out of the 4 most recent volunteer shifts. I have also noticed that there have been several items on your daily checklist which have not been completed,and that you are solely prioritizing patients that have diabetes.”)
- Explain why these expectations are necessary. (“Our patients, families and staff greatly value and depend on our volunteers. You are a huge help to us! So, consistency and dependability is key. Furthermore, we value every patient no matter their condition or illness. We must not show favoritism for only one particular population.”)
- Be direct in next steps.(“Because there continues to be a pattern of inconsistency, not meeting required expectations and showing favoritism to patients and families, I cannot keep you as a volunteer with my unit. Since you seem to especially have a heart for patients with diabetes, I would be happy to make recommendations of other diabetes organizations you can volunteer your time.”)
- Avoid prolonged discussion or arguments.
Her response was not what I had hoped, and even to this day I still feel scarred from it! Jess began to dig into my biggest insecurity at the time: my lack of experience.
“I am really shocked to hear this feedback. You clearly don’t know how things are run. No one ever complained about these things before you got here. You are so young, so naïve and don’t know what you are doing; you have no experience. I have talked to all the nurses and they think the same thing.”
This is when steps #1 and #5 of how to address conflict became critical. Jess was trying to evoke an emotional response from me. She had her sparring gloves on and wanted to continue our “discussion” (or in this case, berating me). I quickly ended the conversation by informing her of where she could turn in her badge and her vest and dismissed myself from the conversation.
After I walked out of the room I knew that in order to remain a professional with the nurses, I should not talk or gossip with the nurses about why Jess was dismissed from the program–despite feeling the strong urge to want to defend myself to the nursing staff! Instead when asked, I would simply provide a simple explanation that the reasoning she left was between me and her.
Now, make no mistake, I was deeply wounded from how things went with Jess. She cut me to the core with her biting remarks. However, I had to remember the truth despite my own insecurities and move forward with confidence. My conflict with Jess is now something I look back on and think, “she said a lot of horrible things, and yet…I am still okay!” Sometimes looking back on our past uncomfortable conflicts can give us courage to face the future uncomfortable conflicts…