Two years ago, I remember the feeling I would get when parents would ask me, “do you have kids?”
When I would respond, “no” I all of a sudden felt a wave of insecurity. Perhaps because I did not have children of my own I was no longer an empathetic professional. Perhaps my lack of parenting experience then hindered my skills as a child life specialist and limited my knowledge of child development. Perhaps I was a child life specialist who was therefore too young, too inexperienced, and too unaware to really support their child effectively in the hospital. (Spoiler alert: these are all incredibly false wonderings, FYI).
Nowadays, I can answer that question, “yes, I do have a 1 year old son.” As I have just celebrated his birthday, my second Mothers’s Day and now 9 months of being back at work as a child life specialist mom, here are some reflections of the ways my practice as a CCLS has been influenced since becoming a mom.
- My practice hasn’t really changed! I am the same playful, goofy and empathetic child life specialist as I was before I had my son. My work ethic and commitment to child life has not changed. I loved kids before I had my son, and I still love them to this day!
- However, I will say I am even more attentive and sensitive to including moms and dads during my assessments and interventions. Don’t get me wrong, I can still easily forget to be intentional about including them at the bedside. But when I imagine what it could be like for me to be in the hospital with my son and some child life specialist walks in and begins to be the primary source of soothing my child during a procedure, I would probably be a little peeved! I am the mama, that is my job to be the one voice and be holding his hand, right? So now, if the child is capable, I do my best to make sure to ask him or her where they would like their mom/dad and where they would like me during the procedure in order to help them cope and involve and include the parents as the primary caregivers and experts of their child. My job as a child life specialist is really to empower the parents and to support them in caring for their child.
- I am even more understanding when I see the parent who is beside themselves for a “simple” flu shot. I remember when I pulled a parent off to the side two and a half years ago and gently encouraged her to try to keep a brave face for her son during his first port access. In some ways, after supporting so many parents through dozens of port accesses, I almost became surprised to actually see a parent really struggling to remain composed. Yet, when it was time for my own son’s first shot, I woke up that morning with a pit in my stomach and as we were driving to the doctor, I began crying!! Yes, I was that mom. So now, I try to be even more compassionate and understanding when I see a mama (or dad) who need a little extra validation of how difficult their experience is.
- There are times when I see attributes of my own child with patients I am working with–especially when they are around the same age. Up until this point, it hasn’t appeared to directly impact my abilities to remain professional and provide child life services, but it is something I try to be mindful of when I experience that touching (or heartbreaking) moment of how the patient crying reminds me of my own child. As a practice, I try to be focused on not projecting my personal life into my work (for example, not allowing my mind to imagine what it would be like if my son was the child recently diagnosed or what if it was my own husband who was on life support, etc.) When I remain mindful of setting this boundary, it helps me remain a steady professional for the family I am caring for.
- Another note about boundaries- I consistently struggle to find the right balance and boundary for sharing about my personal life. Before I became pregnant, I barely even told people what I had for breakfast! I work hard to keep the emphasis on my patients and families and seek other ways to connect and build rapport with them rather than sharing about myself. I am pretty convicted in this boundary as I am the professional, not best friend and closest confidant. So when I became pregnant, I was so taken aback when I would literally have parents begin to calculate the month I conceived! To say I was blushing was a huge understatement. When I enter a room and the parent who has a child fighting cancer immediately asks me, “how are you? How is your little boy doing?” I stumble through what sort of explanation to say. Since when is this about how I am doing? Yet, I am learning that sometimes sharing a little bit about myself and my child can be a great point of connection and helps me be more relatable. So, whether you have a child or not, it is okay to every now and then share about your pet, your family trip, or the race you are training for. Sometimes it helps patients and families feel a little more normal and human as long as you are remaining the professional (and again, not BFF) and as long as you continue to keep the focus on the patient and family needs.
- It was an incredibly eye opening experience for me to be on the other side and be the patient when I gave birth to my child! Up until that point, I really hadn’t had a lot of experience being a patient myself. I wonder if those of you who have faced an illness or hospitalization of some kind can relate? I left the hospital being overwhelmed with thankfulness for my doctors and nurses. My appreciation for the hospital staff (that includes everyone from housekeeping to food service) skyrocketed and is something I work hard to remember and express now that I am back at work. Every role is important!
So, in conclusion, whether you are a CCLS mom, an aspiring mom, or have a mom or know a mom, I want to leave you with a few takeaways.
First, all of our backgrounds and relationships influence our practice as a CCLS. We may be more sensitive towards the divorced family because our own parents just got a divorce. We may lose our breath for a moment when we see that precious child, the same age as our niece, nephew or child roll out of the ambulance. We may have an especially tender spot towards the family who just lost their mother because we too just lost our own mom and therefore we need to rely on our co-workers to handle the case.
It is okay that our own background influences us in some way. What is key is that we are mindful of those influences and work hard to seek balance and appropriate boundaries in to remain that steady professional for the patient and family.
And second of all, if any of you readers do not have children please hear me out: you are still just as effective, influential, relatable and important as a child life specialist. So when a parent asks you if you have children and the answer is “no”, don’t second guess your abilities. Instead, own your unique and valuable perspective. You serve a very important role without having children of your own.
And finally, to those mamas out there, Happy (belated) Mother’s Day. No matter if your job is being a student or working as a CCLS, it will never change your calling and number one vocation as mama.