“We can’t imagine our daughter getting through this hospitalization without you.”
“What would we do if you weren’t on our team?”
“We need you. We can’t do this without you.”
In a sometimes-thankless job, these are praises we can long to hear. It can feel so good to be needed. To be “successful”. To be approved.
As a self-proclaimed 2 on the Enneagram, I chose this child life profession because I have a deep desire to help others. I want to relieve their suffering and carry their burdens. I want to bring joy and hope into their dark circumstances. I want to empower them and support them on the good days and bad.
Yet there can be times when I can fall into a unhealthy habit of focusing on what I think the patient needs to the point that it can blind me to what they actually need.
“I really hope this intervention works so that this nurse respects me.”
“I bet I would get a lot of recognition from the hospital leaders if I came in an hour early to support this patient.”
Eduard Ezeanu, a confidence and communications coach defines this mentality as a “savior complex”. “The savior complex is a psychological construct which makes a person feel the need to save other people. This person has a strong tendency to seek people who desperately need help and to assist them, often sacrificing their own needs for these people.”
But what is so wrong with being ready and willing to sacrifice for the needs of other people? Isn’t it noble to be serving others to the point where I completely dismiss my own needs?
Having a savior complex can create several dangerous repercussions. It can lead to unhealthy boundaries and co-dependency. It can cloud objectivity of truly seeing the patient’s needs. It can breed pride and selfishness.
If you, too, identify with having the savior complex as well, here are five solutions to avoid falling into the trap:
1. Start by asking yourself, “whose needs are being met?”
Are you remaining in the room for a procedure because of your own insecurity of wanting to be needed? Who is that hug for? Why are you going above and beyond for this one patient? What does the patient truly need?
2. Don’t underestimate the power of listening.
When we see someone experiencing incredible grief, our empathy and compassion can drive us to want to do something, to do anything. And yet, I am reminded of a pivotal scene in the wonderful movie “Inside Out”. Perhaps you are familiar with the scene? The lovable imaginary friend Bing Bong is mourning the loss of his wagon. He is comforted by the presence of Sadness, who merely sits with Bing Bong and validates his loss.
When we are on the front lines of supporting patients and families sometimes the greatest gift we can give is the gift of presence. We don’t need to fix it. We can’t fix it! So, don’t underestimate your gift. It is powerfully enough.
3. Empower, don’t enable.
When I adopt the thinking of a savior complex, I buy into the false belief that I should be in every room and with every patient. As a child life specialist, our goal should be that we help a empower a patient in coping strategies so that they can cope with things on their own. I want them to become independent of me. I want them to not need me for every poke. Because no, I can’t come with them to college! They possess the skills and the strengths internally.
4. Remember what is in your circle of control.
At the end of the day, though we can come alongside of a struggling and grieving patient, we cannot change them. We cannot protect them from pain. We cannot save them.
So remember what is in your circle of control. What can you offer this patient that would align with the needs you have assessed? What are you responsible for? It isn’t how they respond.
5. Remain humble.
When you receive that praise, that validation of your presence, be grateful, but be alert. Recognize that the praise can fuel the savior complex. Remember that your worth does not come from what you do or even who you help.