After a full day of work, I slumped into my chair for the first time that day, my feet aching and my mind drained. I slowly reached over to my phone to clock out. Clocking out: the act that shows “my work here is done.”
But my work was hardly done. How could I possibly end this day? How could I walk away from work knowing that one of my patient’s routine surgeries did not go as planned and she now was suffering in the PICU in critical condition. How could I “clock out” from a traumatized boy who was still shaking upstairs in the clinic following a port access that resulted in 5 full grown adults holding him down. How could I walk out of the hospital today knowing that there were so many interventions that I tried that did not go as planned. Where was the magic of child life? Where was the joy of helping transform a patient’s experience? There was so much more to do.
“Press the code to clock out” the voice prompted…
Lately it has seemed that the acuity of needs at the hospital has been insurmountable. Everyone on my team feels the fatigue. We are tired from another diagnosis. We are worn from the heightened anxiety. We are grieved from yet another death.
There is so much to do. And yet, there are so many days when I feel I did NOTHING as a child life specialist. The child is stillcrying and having difficulty coping. The parent is stillupset. The sibling is stillfeeling abandoned. The staff are still feeling helpless.
“You, oh child life specialist, have done your best and have done so much.”
When I am requested to come help in a room and I leave 5 minutes later, the patient screaming louder than when I entered and the parent’s frustration rising, how can I feel that I really “did a good job” today?
The lies can quickly rush in. The feelings of defeat, unworthiness, helplessness and discouragement can drown my thinking and reasoning. And yet, there are three crucial questions that I must ask in order to push the clock out code and release control.
#1- Did I work with integrity?
Integrity means maximizing every minute. Integrity means working honestly and earnestly. Integrity means valuing the needs of others above my own selfish desires. Integrity means giving each shift my best shot.
#2- What is in my circle of control and what control did I give to others?
I offered choices to the patient, he chose to scream and needed “help to hold his body still.” I was present in checking in with the nurses, yet they still didn’t call me. When I have done all I can, I have to remember that I cannot control people. All I am in control of is being present, being available, and trying my best.
Furthermore, I must remember that comparison can be the thief of joy. If I compare my day of struggle to my co-workers who had amazing interventions, then my chance at contentedness and gratitude is gone.
#3- What is my plan for tomorrow?
This is where the power of “yet” enters in.
I haven’t had a breakthrough with a patient…yet.
I haven’t crossed X off my to do list…yet.
I haven’t been able to connect with the patient’s parents…yet.
Instead of focusing on what I haven’t done, I must focus on the hope of what can be done soon and make my attainable goals accordingly.
And then…push the clock out code. And know that you, oh child life specialist, have done your best and have done so much.