10 Ways to Remember a Loved One who Died

10 Ways to Remember a Loved One who Died

As I sit at my computer and ponder what to write today on Memorial Day, I can’t help but feel a mix of emotions.

Memorial Day can look like a day to celebrate our freedom and enjoy our community through BBQs, parades and yard games. And yet, for others who have lost a loved one who was protecting and serving our country, Memorial Day can look like a day of somber remembrance. And, perhaps joyful celebration of that precious life too.

Grief is such a twist and turn of those emotions–celebration and sadness, heartbreak and pride, laughter and tears. Pediatrician, Dr. Richard Wilson, developed a model of grief called “The Whirlpool of Grief,” which summarizes this concept well. Wilson’s model suggests that as we travel along “the River of Life” some are then suddenly plunged down the “Waterfall of Bereavement” and swirl into the “Whirlpool of Grief”.

“The whirlpool carries you round and around going over the same emotions time and again with occasional respite in the shallows. Sometimes you hit rocks that cause physical pain and symptoms, even as you travel on, accepting the loss and reality of the new situation triggers can bring back the intensity of pain as you hit a different rock. Some people stay on the sand bank, remaining ‘washed up’ and disorganized for long periods. Gradually, at different rates of flow, the ‘River of Life’ leads to calmer waters. It is though, a river that flows in a different place” (Hindmarsh, C. [2009]. On the Death of a Child). 

As families travel along this river of grief, there is evidence that the deceased loved one should be continuously remembered and that families should “continue the relationship” by dreaming, talking and thinking about the loved one and keeping their belongings and memories close.

According to theorists Klass, Silverman and Nickman, people do not “get over” their loved one, instead they are changed by the experience. The bond with a lost loved one does not end and families should be encouraged to enter into the new change of remembering and celebrating their loved one’s life (Pearson, L. (2005). The Child who is Dying).

So, how do child life specialists practically encourage this healthy remembrance? Here is a print off I created to give to families who have experienced a loss. Please feel free to use this (and add to it) in your own practice.

So this Memorial Day, may we honor and mourn those who selflessly and courageously served and died for our Nation. May we be sensitive towards those who are grieving and may we also celebrate, remember and be grateful for the heroes of our Country.

 

 My grief is like a river–

I have to let it flow,

But I myself determine 

just where the banks will go. 

Grief is Like a River by Cynthia G. Kelley

 

Question to Ponder: What is one way you are remembering a bereaved loved one in your life?

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