“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”
My heart sank when I heard the words: “Michelle was talking bad about you to the other nurses yesterday.”
One of my only new nurse friends, Grace (all names are changed), felt she was doing her duty to alert me to the fact that there was one staff member in particular who had not taken a liking to me as the brand new child life specialist of the unit.
“Michelle kept going on and on about how you’re too young, you don’t stock the stickers with fun varieties and about how she misses and likes the old child life specialist better than you. I just thought you would want to know.”
Hearing this news was discouraging. But hearing that Michelle was sharing her disappointment with others behind my back was absolutely disheartening.
Can anyone else relate to that feeling when people have been gossiping about you? Maybe it happened when you were 7 years-old on the playground or maybe it unfortunately happened just last week. Either way, if I may be frank: it sucks.
Yet somehow I can find myself on the other side of the gossip all too easily. It can just slip out: agreeing that a nurse seems in a really bad mood, venting about how dysfunctional the parents are in room 5, speculating with others why management seems so incompetent lately…
I want to validate people’s feelings. I want to share in their burdens. I want to be a part of something and be unified with the team. Unfortunately sometimes that can look like being unified in how much we don’t like someone else. And lately I have noticed that the more safe and comfortable I get with my coworkers, the more I can let my guard down and neglect being careful to ensure my speech is uplifting and professional.
It can be tricky to define gossip, can’t it? What is the difference between venting frustrations with a trusted coworker vs. creating a negative and toxic working environment because of the words we are spreading? To quote an article “Questions to Ask Before We Gossip” by Stephen Witmer he defines that “gossip is saying behind someone’s back what we should say to their face, or not at all.”
As I see the way I have allowed gossip to slowly creep more into my life recently, I want to shed some light on how gossip can cause more harm than good. The more we are mindful of the negative effects of gossip (something we may think is really not a big deal) let’s all pause and take a moment to realize the bigger connotations and effects it can have.
- Consider what gossiping communicates about you. It certainly doesn’t breed trust with your other coworkers when you are speaking negatively about another teammate. Your coworkers may feel like it is only a matter of time before you will also be talking negatively about them when they aren’t around.
- Take the “strengths-based” approach. It will be contagious! Yes, the parents in room 5 may be off their rocker and lashing out at every staff member who enters the room. But could it be perhaps that they are handling this trauma in the best way they know how given their own traumatic history? We really have no idea what the other person is dealing with and what burdens they are carrying. So before we criticize them behind their back, what grace can we extend? What is that person doing right, even if it is a tiny thing? Empowering people in their strengths will set a healthy tone for others to be attentive to those strengths as well.
- Nosey questions can fuel gossip and rumors. I have to be careful to catch myself when my curiosity gets the best of me: “Wait, what horrible thing did Sally say?” or “Is it true that Rachel is getting fired?” Just don’t go there. It is only inviting more gossip to spread, and usually since I am not going directly to the source of what I am wondering then I am indirectly fueling rumors.
- Do you have a problem with someone? Go to them directly. If Michelle had a problem with the sticker choices I provided, I sure do wish she would have come to me first before questioning my competency with other staff members. So just as I would hope people would present their concerns with me first and privately, I want to do the same for others. Sometimes that means that in order to help us prepare to address conflict, we may need to process what we are going to say and our issues with a trusted and close confidant. Should that be the case, I don’t see that as gossip necessarily as long as our speech remains professional and is seeking unity–not trying to tear down someone else’s reputation.
- Realize this: Gossip doesn’t make your work environment better! By joining in with the team about how much you dislike the new hire or by agreeing that the new patient is “the worst” are all conversations that are not productive. Gossip encourages you to dwell in negativity of others/situations. It doesn’t promote positive change and only breeds distrust, resentment or bitterness.
So before you decide to “just vent” or “just be curious” about a sensitive situation involving a patient, family or staff member, be mindful about how gossip does not make your job any easier. It does not make your profession any more credible. Instead, be the change you want to see. Manage one another up. Empower people in their strengths. Extend grace when needed. Confront directly and with gentleness. Respond with humility. There are much more interesting things to talk about at the nurses station that can build camraderie and positive trust and rapport with those you work with.